Brokenness

This topic of brokenness has been the theme of my walk with the Lord probably over the last semester, but especially over the last few days since classes ended here at the University of Wyoming. Specifically I've been reading through Jeremiah and a book by Bob Sorge entitled The Fire of Delayed Answers. In fact, there is a quote from that book which I would like to share as I start this topic: "Jesus isn't looking for people who have such a deposit of strength in their hears that they can follow Him; He's looking for people who are so weak that they recognize they cannot take the next step without the immediate help of the Holy Spirit."

For those of you who don't know, this has been a great semester, but it has also been a very rough semester for me. I have been so struck so much by the sheer volume of what God is doing on this campus, and the areas in which He wants to restore to His glory. It is simply amazing to see where God is at work and what He is doing. In this, however, I have also been hit with the mass of sin and bondage that has enveloped this campus and my complete inadequacy of being able to do anything about it. Over this last semester I have felt trapped by my own situation, my finances, my own struggles with sin, and I want to cry out for those around me but I feel restrained from doing so because of my own shortcomings. I have felt weak, powerless, and as though I am failing this community and failing the calling to which God has placed on my life. I feel like I'm barely floating along financially, which has placed doubts in my mind of whether I really heard God when He told me to come here and do this internship. And with student loan payments starting up now, those doubts and fears have only increased. Was I really supposed to go to PLU, a private school in Washington, to finish my education or should I have finished at MSU in Bozeman, where I practically had a full-ride? Should I really be working in campus ministry in Laramie, Wyoming, or should I really be looking for full-time job so I can pay off my loans quicker and easier, with less stress? Have I just completely misread everything that I thought God was leading me to do? Should I be closer to Laurel so that I can be more of a helping hand in the healing process of my father? Have I, by following this unknown path that I think was laid out by the Lord, sent myself into a place where I will not be able to find a wife and will suffer loneliness for the rest of my life? These are the doubts and questions that cloud my judgment and darken my thoughts just about everyday, and many times through the night. And of course, with all this confusion and doubt running through my mind, the question becomes: if all this is causing so much anxiety and stress, can it really be God's plan for my life? There must be something wrong with what I am doing because in God there is supposed to be joy and peace, not strife and worry.

Now, I'm not saying that my life is terrible, that everything is bad, that every thought I have is doom and gloom. There are days when I hardly think of these things at all. God has blessed me with provision every step of the way, I have yet to go a month where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't pay rent. God has blessed me with relationships with friends and family that have sustained me through this time and I am so thankful for every single one of them. It isn't that I am unable to see any blessings from the Lord, but these blessings don't answer the questions that darken my thoughts. God does not promise a mere "getting by" type of existence, He promises life ABUNDANT (John 10:10). I have come here with nothing but a faith that He will make it work, that He will move, and that I will be able to have all that He has promised, and this isn't the life He has provided. I thought the financial support would come in and that I would be able to confidently walk knowing that His hand is upon my life. I thought I would walk onto campus, and doors of opportunity would fly open, that students would be passionate about giving their lives to God, that there would be amazing, big, unmistakable demonstrations of God's power to Christians and non-Christians alike, and that I would get to be a part of it all because I was obedient to come to Laramie.

As you can probably see from those last few statements, there is pride that needs to be addressed. I say "is" because although much of it has been addressed already, I feel like there is probably more on the way. The problem I continue to run into time after time after time is that I'm worried about me. "God, bless ME, use Me, glorify Me. What about ME?" I keep wanting God to tell me what He wants me to do, give me the strength to do it, and then let me alone so I can go do it and glory in what I've done. I'm excited, I'm on fire, and I'm ready to do whatever God wants to be done, and now God is preparing me to actually be used for His purposes. I have natural leadership capacities and a natural ability to read and understand His word. I have "gifts" that I feel qualify me for some sort of position or task. I have a sense of entitlement and pride because I have natural abilities, because I have some strength. But natural strength isn't good enough for the supernatural purposes of God. For the last several years I have felt restrained and held back from fully doing what God wants me to do, and that has lead to a cry in my heart and in my prayers for a release and an annointing for the purposes of God, and He is now answering that prayer.

"Jesus isn't looking for people who have such a deposit of strength in their hears that they can follow Him; He's looking for people who are so weak that they recognize they cannot take the next step without the immediate help of the Holy Spirit." As I read that this morning my heart could immediately connect with what the Lord is doing in my life. I have been focused so much on getting the Lord to do something through me that I wasn't looking for what He was doing in me. God is breaking me, breaking my strength, and bringing me to a place where I will fully rely and trust Him. As I read through Jeremiah, as I look back to Job, and as I see in the life of Joseph and Moses and Paul and Peter, I see how Jesus took them, emptied them of themselves and shined His life through them to bring the glory back to Himself. These were not the "spiritual giants" that we generally make them out to be, they were normal men whose lives were broken and then utilized through the providence of the Father. Jesus is breaking me, He's showing me how weak I really am and He's destroying any reason I have for pride and entitlement. No amount of knowledge, of bible memorization, or talk will accomplish this in my life. The only way for me to fully trust and rely on Him is for Him to take me through the "valley of the shadow of death" and to teach me to hear and listen to His voice. It'll teach me to cling to His words as the only source of life, and to come out the other side in love with Him and able to accomplish His purposes.

I'm just going to end this with a passage. I feel as though I could go on longer but this is probably a good place to stop. This passage, written by Jeremiah in Lamentations, has been important in my life before, but it is taking on new relevance now. "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, because God has laid it on him; let him put his mouth in the dust-there may yet be hope" (Lamentations 3:25-29). I don't know how long this season of brokenness will last, I don't know how long the process will take, all I know is that I'm committed now. I've made my choice, I'm not turning back, I will continue to walk in obedience to what the Lord has called me, through the doubts, through the questions, through the pain and strife, and I will set myself on Him as my only redeemer, my only Savior, and I will refuse to go after a "plan B." In light of everything that I have been taught and that I have read for myself in the bible, this is the only course that makes sense. Only through sitting alone, keeping silent, bearing the yoke and putting my mouth in the dust will the hope of the Lord shine through and keep me on His glorious path. Jesus, open my eyes to Your majesty, empty me of myself that you may be glorified and made known in this world. Amen.